Hungries, read this if you are dying of boredom, if you have a long coffee break, craving some mofongo or if you just want to laugh.
Usually, there is no better dining experience than going to the actual restaurant.
That sounds obvious, but when you can get delivery, or take out, it makes things so much easier. Last week I wanted to dine at one of my favorite places on the beach, Jimmy’z Kitchen. Sitting about 5 minutes from my apartment, I hopped on my bike and rode over there, saving myself the headache of finding parking and inevitably getting my car towed. I made a right on Alton, flew over a puddle, and did some combination of this. Battered, bruised, and most of all embarrassed, I turned around, put my head down, and slowly walked my bike back to my place. Let’s just say I was now going to opt for the “Delivery” option.
I get home, call them up, and place my order. You know those dreaded few seconds after you place a delivery order and they’re about to tell you the total and expected wait time?
I hoped for the best, prepared for the worst, made a face akin to a woman about to give birth, and…. 50 minute wait. Not bad. Naturally, I needed to pass the time, so I decided to write a running diary. Here is what transpired:
Minute 1: I hang up the phone after ordering a Chicken Breast and Prosciutto Panini. I also always order the soup of the day (in this case, Chicken Vegetable). Unfortunately, the soup of the day can be Elephant testicles mixed with human arm hair, and I’d probably still order it.
3: I get a piece of cloth, put some rubbing alcohol on it, and tend to my wounds from that nasty bike accident. Why am I tending to my wounds like a Civil War soldier from the 1860s?
4: I settle in my couch and click through the channels to see what’s on. Click…click…click….HOUSE ARREST! Yes yes yes yes yes!
5: If you were born in the mid to late 80s, there is a 90% chance you’ve seen this movie. Also, there is a 75% chance one of you is saying “Oh yeah hahaha, I love that movie! The one with Sinbad! So great”! No, idiot. That’s “House Guest”. Get it right.
7: Alright fine, you don’t have to pull my leg. I’ll briefly explain the plot: kid’s parents fight a lot, he doesn’t want them to get divorced, he locks them in the basement so that they can work out their problems, other kids in school find out and kidnap their parents and shove them down there as well, kids go nuts in the house for a few days while all the parents work out their problems, everyone stays together in the end…and Jennifer Love Hewitt has her first major acting role. More on her later.
8: I look at the time expecting to see that 30 minutes have passed since I ordered, and it has been only 8. I feel like my sister. Her concept of time is so bad, she thought Easter brunch was a few hours ago.
11: Poor Grover. All he wants is for his parents to stay together. HAVE A HEART, JAMIE LEE CURTIS!!!!!
12: My roommate walks in, and I immediately blurt out that I ordered Jimmy’z Kitchen because I was too lazy to go. Only, he would have never asked/known that I had previously attempted to go but got into a bike accident. I think I have turrets.
15: She’s 17. She’s 17. Jennifer Love Hewitt is just 17. She’s 17. 17. Ok, all better.
16: The kids just got into a food fight, so I guess that completes the food quota of this article, regrettably. Looks like it was a cake from the local bakery.
19: I get into a debate with my roommate about what name is better: Grover or Gunther. I vote Grover. Gunther just reminds me of the scum barista in Friends. It always pissed me off when he was mean to Ross.
21: Conversation then evolves to the best Friends characters, in order from most to least likable. After a heated exchange we agree on this order: Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe. Not exactly the most feminist list, but the show really did make the men have the funnier lines and roles. May I add that the top 5 are more or less bunched up together, with Phoebe a distant 6th? Have I lost my male readership yet?
22: Getting a little hungry, I treated myself to a half dozen cashews. There, I have now exceeded the food quota. Yeah! Hungry Post!
26: Is there anything more frustrating than watching a movie on TNT or TBS? The commercial breaks are so long and poorly timed.
27: Yes, I understand that losing your job, wife, money, or mind would be a tad more frustrating than watching a movie on TNT.
29: Oh wow, one of the parents from House Arrest is Mr. Hall from Clueless. I think my mom and sister made me watch that 3 times in the theatre. Did I just say that out loud? What makes matters worse is that I voluntarily watched the spinoff sitcom that launched right after the movie. I also had a huge crush on Alicia Silverstone. When she goes on her driving test and the instructor says “Honey as far as you’re concerned I’m the Messiah of the DMV”, I laugh every time. I think I’m going to shut up now.
33: Does anybody else remember how famous Jennifer Love Hewitt used to be? What happened? My theory is that the Internet happened. Internet can be very mean to people when it wants to be, and for some reason people don’t like her. Specifically women. Seriously, ladies, ask yourself the following question: Do I like Jennifer Love Hewitt? Answer honestly. There is a good chance that you don’t, for whatever reason.
34: She’s not the only woman that the Internet (again, specifically women) has decided to hate. Take Angelina Jolie, for example. Women don’t like her. She’s a home wrecker. Jennifer Aniston? Women love her. Ditto Kate Middleton. Ask a woman if she thinks Kim Kardashian is hot; answers I’ve received range from “She looks like a man” to “I think baby whales are adorable, so I guess she is adorable”. During the Oscars we famously saw how hated Anne Hathaway is and how beloved Jennifer Lawrence is. Imagine Hathaway making a surprise visit to a bachelorette party? The look of horror on the faces of those bachelorettes would be priceless. Adele? Loved. This game is so great.
36: I love the salads from Jimmy’z Kitchen. (Happy?)
37: Holy crap, just found out that you can buy the Snake app on your iPhone. Remember Snake? The game from your old school Nokia and/or TI-83? Please download it now, it’s called Snake ’97.
40: Another one of the dads from House Arrest is Shooter McGavin. He was also in Flubber. This is why they pay me the big bucks.
41: Where does “Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite” rank on your Least Surprising Facts list? She’s 5th on mine, between “LeBron James is going to win MVP” and “Barack Obama won the young Latino vote”.
43: Everyone’s getting a little cranky. Coming down the home stretch. I want to eat. My roommate wants me to eat. The doorman wants me to eat. Delivery guy. Everyone.
45: Knock on the door, looks like they’re here a little early! Open the door and it’s…my roommate’s girlfriend. I did a pretty poor job of masking my disappointment, since I slammed the door right in her face. Poor girl didn’t mean any harm.
46: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that no one gives a flying fuck about what I’ve been talking about for the past 46 minutes.
47: Help me out here. So recently, I’ve been swimming a bit after work. We have a nice big swimming pool in my building; not a lap pool by any means. Talking to my mom a few weeks ago, I mentioned to her that I’ve been swimming a lot lately. Mind you, she never swims in the pool and has no idea how big the pool is. It could be an Olympic size pool or a portable Jacuzzi. Anyway, she asks me how many laps I’ve been doing. Remember, she has no idea how big the pool is. So she asks me, and I’m totally thrown off by the question for some reason. I have no idea what to say. I picked up swimming a few weeks ago; I have no idea what number of laps is good and what is bad. And she has no idea either. I just swim back and forth until I’m tired. I think about what lie to say for a minute, and then tell her, confidently, “I swim 20 laps”. At this point, I’m expecting anything. “Holy cow that’s incredible!” “You are pathetic”. “Not bad not bad”. Anything. I do not know why I came up with 20, but it sounded believable, right? Am I wrong? Anyway, her text back said it all: “Oh”. Thought that summed it up perfectly well.
50: Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Food is here! This time, it’s actually here. I open the door, see the delivery woman, and immediately make out with her like Tom Hanks did with the ugly chaperone in A League of Their Own.
And in all seriousness, the food at Jimmy’z Kitchen never fails to disappoint. It’s my favorite place to order in from on the Beach. They have sandwiches, a wide variety of salads, great entrees, and of course….soup.
Now if you excuse me, I’m going to see if Grover ends up with the well liked Jennifer Love Hewitt.
2700 N Miami Ave
1542 Alton Rd
Miami Beach, FL
9050 S Dixie Hwy